Kathy Landin

We had some time to read the tabs while we were waiting in line to buy Alka Seltzer and carpet cleaner this week and here’s what we learned from Globe, Us Weekly, National Enquirer, Life & Style and Star.

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YOU: You're the hot young redhead in Hollywood who actually manages to stay out of trouble. Somehow you went from high school movie sweetheart to grown-up love interest in about a minute and a half -- and I think you should know I like it.

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Lindsay Lohan didn’t show up for court in New York on Monday.

Shocker, we know. How’s your pulse?

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In today's StarCrush Police Beat (we're still playing with the name), seems two celebs got their drink on and wound up with a pretty new pair of stainless steel bracelets for their trouble.

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If you’re in China and you’ve been dying for a chance to run into Brad Pitt on the street, it’s been a sad 15 years or so for you. After his role in 1997’s ‘Seven Years In Tibet,’ Pitt was banned from ever entering the country since its government had a teeny tiny problem with how it was portrayed in the film.

But a mysterious tweet from Pitt over the weekend made it seem like he might be allowed to visit China once again.

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Perhaps the best thing about this plan to have Tina Fey and Amy Poehler host the Golden Globes this month is all of their fun little promos leading up to it. For weeks we’ve been served these tasty little treats as appetizers to prepare us for the big awards meal.

Now we’re not sure if we’re hungry or excited. Probably both.

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If you’re a fan of Megan Fox, you’ve been on a quite a roller coaster ride of emotions this week. First, the actress and new mom was the victim of one of those infamous Twitter death hoaxes.

And then she joined the social networking site shortly after being reported dead.

Coincidence? Maaaaybe.

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We can't hide the fact that we already have a sad because Tina Fey’s bouncing baby television series ‘30 Rock’ will air its final episode on Jan. 31. But at least they’ve done what any good show would do: scheduled some surprise guest stars to finish things with a bang.

Included among them? Former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.

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Despite the fact that she was a part of the embarrassment that was ‘From Justin to Kelly,’ the adorable Kelly Clarkson has yet to do anything that can make us not absolutely love her. She’s talented, humble, loves her fans as much as they love her -- and she’s cute as a kitten calendar.

And now she says she doesn’t care if people think she’s a lesbian. Which makes her all the more adorable.

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We’re pretty sure Lena Dunham is the darling of the critics because the critics are past their midlife and think she must be what all the kids are into today. Because it’s starting to become glaringly obvious that even she thinks she’s far more clever than she actually is.

For this reason, we’ve always found her somewhat annoying. And before you go calling us haters, slow your roll -- we didn’t say we hate her. We can't deny her relevancy, but that doesn't mean we can't be annoyed by it, too.

But now there’s a new reason to find her grating: She’s gone all fanboi on Taylor Swift. So now you can knock out both of them with one roll of the eyes.

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