Charles Saatchi Files for Divorce From Nigella Lawson Using Truly Incredible Rationale

After choking Nigella Lawson -- and getting caught doing so by paparazzi -- Charles Saatchi decided he'd had enough.

Saatchi, 70, filed for divorce from the former Food Network star -- and blabbed all about it to the press. Classy!

Lawson took the kids and left the family home she shared with Saatchi immediately following the horrifying incident at Scott's restaurant in London, but Saatchi is making it sound like this was solely his choice.

"I am sorry to announce that Nigella Lawson and I are getting divorced," Saatchi, 70, told The Daily Mail. "I feel that I have clearly been a disappointment to Nigella during the last year or so, and I am disappointed that she was advised to make no public comment to explain that I abhor violence of any kind against women, and have never abused her physically in any way."

To reiterate, Saatchi just said he's divorcing Lawson for not defending him to the press after he choked her in public.

He continued, "This is heartbreaking for both of us as our love was very deep, but in the last year we have become estranged and drifted apart. The row photographed at Scott's restaurant could equally have been Nigella grasping my neck to hold my attention -- as indeed she has done in the past."

Or not.

It's unclear whether Saatchi is deceptive or delusional, because he prior explanation of the restaurant incident was almost equally unbelievable.

"About a week ago, we were sitting outside a restaurant having an intense debate about the children, and I held Nigella's neck repeatedly while attempting to emphasize my point," Saatchi explained at the time. "There was no grip, it was a playful tiff."

He went on, "The pictures are horrific but give a far more drastic and violent impression of what took place … Nigella's tears were because we both hate arguing, not because she had been hurt. We had made up by the time we were home. The paparazzi were congregated outside our house after the story broke yesterday morning, so I told Nigella to take the kids off till the dust settled."

C'mon, man. Even Chris Brown could have come up with something better than this.

Nigella, on the off chance you're reading this: Run.