Michael Lohan Is Pretending He Cares About Lindsay Again

Unless she's forcibly thrown into rehab, Lindsay Lohan probably won't send herself there again voluntarily. Especially when people keep believing that she's too broke to pay for it.

That's where the loud-mouthed rehab superhero known by his civilian name Michael Lohan comes in to save the day.

"If people would stop taking her money she wouldn't have an issue," Papa Lohan explained, saying Lindsay can't get the help she needs because she can't afford to.

Money matters aside, Michael promised to help his daughter get into rehab, even offering to pay for the cost himself. You know, from all that money he's earned by selling her out.

"I believe she wants it, now the ball is in her court!" Michael added. "I will arrange for the right treatment and program, for as long as it takes, which is six months or more!"

That's right, he'll pay for her help as long as she needs it. Or until he goes broke himself because she's actually cleaned herself up and the stories he can hawk to the tabloids run dry.

Michael ended his rant with the best sound bite ever: "Either I will get her attention or God will! As it's said, I will cry out from the mountain tops until I am heard!"

Or until people stop paying him to do so.