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‘No Time for Ticker Trouble’ and Other Tales of Health Woes

Heart monitor on treadmill
Dan Kitwood/Getty Images
Getting older sucks.

It starts when you get out of school and never stops. I’m talking about the ever-quickening pace of time and, as time sails past, so do the days of excellent health and carefree living. What I wouldn’t give to be the age that my mind feels I am. 12.

Tomorrow’s test day for ole Jonny boy. No, not a final exam (at least I hope not) or anything of the written variety. This is something the medical types refer to as a “stress test.” Basically, it’s a test of the heart to see if it’s in good working condition. I think mine is but, recently, some things have occured that prompted my doctor, Ramon (because I can’t say his last name, Cheluitte), to refer me down to the cardiac health wing of Maine General in Augusta.

They don’t call it a ‘stress test’ for nothin’. You run on a treadmill while they monitor your cardiac (fancy medical word for ‘heart’) activity and you’re injected with some kind of nuclear, glow-in-the-dark stuff so they can see if you have any blockages and so forth. Maybe they’ll check my brain while they’re at it. I seem to have some blockages there. Can’t seem to get and keep anything in it. But that’s another story.

After this, I have to take a “24 hour kidney test.” Without going into detail, suffice it to say that I have to keep a very large, orange, bottle with me for 24 hours and IT will take the place of my commode (whether that be in the restroom or next to a tree in my yard). Something came back a little abnormal in that last test. But wait, there’s more.

Sleep apnea, are you familiar w.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,?,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Sorry…I dozed there for a second. Anyway, sleep apnea is in question so I have to undergo some kind of sleep study in the coming months. Cool. Insurance will pay for me to nap.

I could go on but I won’t. I just want to accomplish two things with my little article here:

1- Have a little Pity “whoa is me” Party
2- Encourage you to appreciate your health

#2 is most important. I’ve been living life without much regard to my personal health. Hey, it’s great to do that. Unfortunately, the days of great health and worry free living don’t last. Not for anyone! They tend to last longer, I’ve found, for those who don’t take good health for granted but, rather, take care of themselves by eating right and exercising regularly. I use to do that and I felt better when I did.

Okay, I’m done. I’ll do what I’ve got to do, like it or not. I know there are lots of people who have it much worse than I do. I sincerely feel sad for those who do and offer my support. But for now, all I can think about is eating dinner before Trivia Night at the China Dine-ah tonight and, after that, not eating (or drinking coffee) again until tomorrow afternoon.

Have I mentioned, getting older sucks?

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