Why I Refuse to Eat Maine's Iconic Red Hot Dogs

I know this is Maine, and I know this might get me canceled from more than a few backyard BBQs, but I must say it.

I absolutely refuse to eat red snapper hot dogs.

Go ahead, grab your pitchforks, I get it.

It’s not even about the taste well, actually, it is. But let’s start with the texture.

Ew. That rubbery, outer-layer, snap-you-in-the-face casing is a betrayal. And what is it even made of? Do we know? I say to you, betrayal.

I want to eat a hot dog, a real hot dog.

This thing is like rubber on rubber on rubber.

I don’t care how much you claim it “locks in the flavor.” And if it does that, then what happens to the flavor if it’s not “locked in?” Does it just run away, screaming?

And can we talk about the color? This alarmingly red, neon thing. The kind of red that says, "I might be edible, but I also might be a traffic cone." For me, I can’t trust something so aggressively unnatural looking. It feels like I am tempting fate.

I know the red-hot dogs are a tradition here in Maine and you probably grew up eating them, and that’s great, I am happy for you.

I don’t judge you, I judge the dog.

But at 39 years old, I’ve made up my mind. My taste buds have standards.

So come after me, Maine. I love a good lobster roll, I’ll inhale whoopie pie to my face but when it comes to red hot dogs.. I’m out.