My Sincerest Apology to the China, Maine Hannaford

Hi friends, Matty James here. I still can't believe this actually happened to me. Also, for the record, when I initially wrote this my wife was pregnant with our youngest son, Dawson. She is not currently pregnant, ha!

Now let's take a stroll down memory lane from April of 2020... ugh.

I was at Hannaford in China (Chinaford) today getting some groceries for the house when it happened. What happened you may ask? Let's start from the beginning.

Since we're trying to keep my pregnant wife as safe as possible, she no longer goes into the grocery store. Neither do the kids. This means I'm left to my own devices which is never good.

First and foremost, I don't grocery shop in the usual order. People typically start at one end of the store and work their way up and down the aisles until they get to the other end, then they go check out. Nope, not me.

I think of random things we need as I zig zag back and forth all over God's creation while people look at me like I'm a guy from away trying to get to Madawaska. That's my first problem.

I filled the cart up with everything I thought was vital and decided to do one more pass-through of the produce section. Ooh, blueberries! The kids love blueberries- I'm gonna get a big container! Which I did, and placed in the cart on top of everything else.

As I'm headed across the main section of the store to go get in line, my blueberries tipped over and fell open face down in the cart. As this happened I was still walking so as all the berries fell out of the cart I proceeded to step on and run most of them over. Awesome. Now here I am on my hands and knees picking up blueberries as a clerk had to go get the stuff to clean the floor.

I apologized, got up off the floor, got some new blueberries and headed back towards the checkout. As I'm almost to the end of the line, my new container of blueberries fell into the cart face down and opened up, causing them all to fall onto the floor as I walked and ran them all over once again. The clerk had to come back to clean again and I had to get back down on the floor to clean them up a second time. TWICE THIS HAPPENED!

After all this, I decided I didn't want any damn blueberries as they were clearly a sign of bad luck and should be left alone. I finally get checked out and back to the car. As I'm loading the bags into my trunk I hear a 'thud' and looked down to see one of my naval oranges rolling across the parking lot.

People are wearing gloves, masks and sanitizing every 7 feet in the grocery store. Me? I'm crawling around picking my produce up off the floor and parking lot. This is why my family will end up immune to every pandemic we ever see.

Sorry, Hannies. Mah bad.

The end.

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