My Open Letter To The Salesman Who Saw Me Half-Dressed

I was sitting at my kitchen table in my house. The windows were open because it was a hot day so I needed to feel the cross breeze. The door to the porch was also open. The way my table was set up was facing the door and I was sitting on my laptop working on an article.

Someone knocked on the door. Personally, I hate that. I want to put a sign on my yard that says, "Text me if you're here, If you don't have my number, leave."

But of course, I am nice so I don't turn people away. This person happened to be a sales person for a company. Doesn't seem so bad so far right?

Well, it does get bad because I wasn't fully clothed. It was hot and I was in my own house and no one was home, I was only wearing a robe that didn't close all the way with barely anything underneath.

This person was tall and could see directly through my front porch door. It was like a b-line straight to my 'Netherlands area 'and I believe he saw my lady bits. The whole kit n' caboodle.

It was a strange experience. Almost like everything was in slow motion and their was a low hum of disappointment from the universe flowing through that crosswind that I wanted so badly.

The problem is, after he knocked, I did the "duck and cover". Which meant, I keeled over, attempted to cover myself, hid behind my keyword, but still walked up to the door. Why did I walk up to the door?

I didn't run away, I guess I am a committed person and wanted to just do my best. So I  approached the door like the hunch back of Notre Dame.

Even my cat was staring up at me with disgust and concern.

He told me what company he was from and was turning red. I told him that I would like to hear more about it, but to excuse me because I was "cold." Why did I say that?

Obviously he knew I wasn't dressed. It wasn't cold outside. But it was the only thing I could think of, rather than stating the obviously, "I'm in my birthday suit and my birthday isn't until September."

Anyway I shifted backwards a few steps and immediately knew I couldn't turn around because if I did, he was going to catch a total eclipse of the heart, from behind.

So I moon walked backwards to my bathroom and put pants on to avoid an unintentional "full moon situation."

After that, we spoke about what he was selling to me. He was a good sport about it all. He even took a photo with me.

Dear Mr. Salesman,

Thank you for being a gentleman and not peaking at my nether bits. I am proud of your parents for raising a respectable human. I apologize for scaring you if you did get an unintentional peak.

In the future I will make sure that when I am in my home, I am fully clothed or have curtains. I really need to buy curtains.

Yours Truly,

Lizzy Snyder

And, of course, I bought everything he was selling.